Instead of wasting all that money manufacturing s$&tloads of pink gear in honor of breast cancer, the NFL should have just donated the damn money. And furthermore if they really gave two s$&ts about women they would announce an all-venue ban on beer. No beer in the stadium, no beer in the lot, no beer at home. They could announce an official straightedge week for the NFL. Seriously, it would keep us women from having to peel our dribbling husbands off the sidewalk after an overtime game. May even help eliminate some dwi’s, jail crowding and definitely liver failure. I guess the moral of this story is… My husband, the NFL and beer are a$&holes and I’m tired of getting my wkend s$&t on. C

So it’s been a while since I’ve been pissed off enough to blog…a beautiful, peaceful, normal-person bye week gave me such reprieve I hardly found cause for blog-venting.

BUT it’s a new week and of course it’s gonna be a doosy. This wkend the s$&tty Bills play our team du residen’ce (which is NFL French for “home team”—the ravens.) Over dinner tonight my lovely husby announced that the NFL would find new, innovative ways to f#%k up my wkend.

“Oh good, all your bills backers from Baltimore will be going with you. Oh awesome you’re hard core b-lo friends from back home will be flying in for the game. Oh, awesome you’ve got your bills jacket from 1982 ready to go. Sweet, you’ll be tailgating at 8am.”

Wait, hold the bus. 8am?!?!? WTF? Am I being punished for cutting that guy off on the beltway? Who in the hell goes tailgating at 8am on a Sunday? I know, i know…the church of NFL. There’s bratwurst instead of bibles. Corn hole instead of communion. Hibachis instead of hymnals. And fandies instead of faithful. But seriously, tailgating is not a sport and you don’t get pro status for an early arrival. So why does my husby feel so adamant about convincing me that this is a “once in a year-time” event warranting a ridiculous amount of pre-football ass-sitting? He’s been programmed by those f$&kers at the NFL to believe he’ll get to some higher level of eternity if only he spends more hours worshipping a team of spandex-wearing men named Pos.

F$&k you NFL, I’ll take Jesus over the Bills any day of the weekend.

Maybe if me and my daughter tailgate in the parking lot of st. Marks before mass we’ll get season tickets to heaven? -c

Already getting ready to f&@k up my wkend with s$&ty snacks and green frosting.

While half of Baltimore is wearing purple and preparing for the weekend of quality boob-tubage… the editorial staff of S$%t the NFL does to F$#k up my weekend is busily preparing our F&%K back Friday list of truly cool ways to screw the NFL. 

A weekly feature, F$&K back Fridays are dedicated to creative, and sometimes evil schemes that won’t actually ruin the NFL but will certainly make Sundays more fun. 

Today’s top three FBF’s are:

1. Invite your girlfriends over and host a Sound of Music marathon complete with the Broadway sound track, Julie Andrews posters and of course, a game-time viewing of the original cast in Sound of Music. Make sure you reserve your home’s largest TV because you need to see the VonTrapp family in 1080p.

2. Schedule at least 2 things to record on your DVR during various points on Sunday. Make sure they’re good and girlie (think Lifetime movies about runaways). Every half hour a DVR “recording priorities” message should display making for a hilarious volume of “what the f$&ks” from the NFL-heads. 

3. Unplug your wireless router Sunday morning. Play dumb when your husband can’t log into any fantasy football sites and is forced to use his mobile phone to make his line-up (in size 1.75 font). 

Stay tuned for great F&%K back Fridays kid’s craft projects coming next week! 

Have a lovely weekend! :)

-C

I captured this awesome mobile NFL billboard on my way home from work yesterday. Is the NFL following me for a chance to F$*K up my Wednesday night commute in addition to ruining my weekend?

I’ve seen some pretty s%&ty flags hanging off people’s houses (ie scarecrow heads and flower baskets with bunnies) but the ones that really annoy me are those damn wind-shredded  NFL flags whipping off people’s cars as you ride 80 down the beltway. I think the NFL probably sells more flags in one season than the US Flag store sells in 10 years. And that’s just sad, unless of course you run one of those crappy NFL gear kiosks.

I don’t know why I’m so disappointed, but on a weekly basis more people probably tune in to Sunday night football than vote in the primary elections. Oh well, someday I’ll just have to suck it up and say my pledge of allegiance to the United States of NFL.

Think I might launch a flag-burning protest of my own…

Thank you anonymous. I’m so happy to have my first question…well, actually a declaration, but at least it’s in support! I actually know a few girls who might like your number :) Thanks for the awesome feedback!

This week we’re starting our official #NFLabuse Wednesday fan feature. This one’s submitted by a wife to be named “KP”

It’s bad enough the NFL has to f$&k up our Sundays, Mondays and sometimes Thursdays…but with the invention of awesome games like Madden NFL we wives get to endure the unsavory marriage of two home-wrecking habits—video games and football.

I thought I had it bad, but KP told me that her husband is so obsessed with the science behind the pigskin he actually reconstructs missed down opportunities on his playstation. Thanks John Madden for another quality contribution to our lives.

Maybe Madden NFL should add a “share this with the coach” widget to their game so t all you play-tinkerers can automatically submit your reconstructed solution/advice and help show them the err in their ways. I’m sure they would really dig hearing what a badass you are on the Wii.

Next thing you know we’ll have fantasy leagues for guys who reconstruct s$&t via Madden NFL… I’ll put Kevin’s playstation defensive line in this week, that guy really knows how to run a blitz.

Good luck KP. RIP weekends.

Please feel free to anonymously share your husband’s #NFLabuse story via Tumblr message, Facebook DM or just post a damn comment. You may be featured next Wednesday!

-C

Warning: this content will likely offend you, if you own a pink and white jersey you may want to ignore this post.

Raven’s ladies night made “top news story of the day” on WBFF Baltimore. WTF ladies, you’re throwing off the curve. All you she-fans (or as I dub thee, “Fandies”) are really f%&king up my weekend. (No offense) I mean really, the only thing more horrible than the those Fandies’ pink and white jerseys are the f$&king purple camo pants Baltimore fans use in case they need to go stealth in the grape juice aisle at Giant. Most men don’t have a keen sense of fashion so I get it, but ladies, come on, you know better than to take fashion advice from the NFL. They aren’t really known for their innovative fall collections.

I digress.

The point here: there’s no such thing as a woman football fan. Before you start arguing with me or showing me your Broncos tattoo just above your bikini line, hear me out…

The NFL does everything they can to F$%k up your weekend until defeated, you succomb to the propaganda and eventually “tolerate” a game here and there. So I can understand why there are so many middle-aged mothers of boys who finally throw in the towel and take one for the team. But have you ever noticed the rest of the fandies are primarily in two categories:

A. Unmarried girlfriends of guys who love football—clearly still in the phase of their life where mutual interests have to include more than using the same fridge in order to secure a marriage proposition.

B. Married women who like watching the commercials, tight-ends and have an unhealthy obsession with preparing inordinate amounts of sh$%ty football snacks.

Either way, you aren’t fooling us. We know fandies like Jessica Simpson and Kim Kardashian helped elevate your status, but quit f&*king it up for all us NFL-abused wives. The next time my husband tells me “such-in-such’s wife loves tailgaiting, has a Bills thermal cap and makes a mean buffalo chicken dip” I’m gonna make a Fandies sighting google maps mashup (think people of Walmart) that turns fandies bullying into a viral sport.

Boo yah.

-C

I almost forgot about Monday night football (which I’ve just been told should be capitalized because apparently it’s trademarked). Who knew, my husby was such an intellectual property expert.

Monday night is usually quieter than Sunday, mostly because it’s just me, my couch and my husband in his underwear and black work socks.

Ahhh, nothing like a nice evening curled up with the love of my life, 10 hockey games and one Jets game. The best thing about Monday night football is that I don’t have to hear my husband and his friends share coaching advice for their team. Normally, on a Sunday they spend much of the day debating stats, sharing draft philosophies and creating lists of non-performers. In fact, just last night my husband started to create a “ship manifest” for a boat of loser athletes he’s going to create and ficticiously sink. I have to hand it to him, that’s kind of creative.

But not all his armchair quarterback/coaching is welcome. Last year he followed T.O. on Twitter and tried to @reply him some sound game-day advice. Wouldn’t you know it, T.O. wasn’t in the market for a pep talk from a guy wearing Buffalo Bills treaded socks and he immediately blocked him. Screw you T.O.

My poor husby, he just wants to help. Chan Gaily, if you’re reading I’ll skype you this Sunday from my yard, I’ve got a whole patio full of men ready to school you into a win.

-C

I’m just starting to recover from a day filled with crappy football when my husband texts me to DVR the Sabre’s game. Such is the life of a rabid fan’s wife.

My husband could honestly be in a DirectTV commercial. Not only do we have the $400,000 a month NFL HD package, but lucky for me, we also have NHL Center Ice, regular UFC pay per views, the Red Zone and numerous IPhone applications to help provide constant access to sports/fantasy sports (which by the way, is not a sport).

At least we get our money’s worth…last weekend my husband figured out how to use the NFL DirectTV app to stream live HD broadcasts of every league football game direct to his iPhone. That would be awesome if we weren’t in Florida vacationing at the time. Proud of his new-found sports-on-the-go technology he says “can you drive so I can watch the game?” Awesome, I’ve got my kid in the back watching Dora on the iPad and my husby in the front watching the Bills on his iPhone. So much for quality family time.

Like I said, the NFL is f$&king up my weekend.

This weekend was sunny and mild in Baltimore, so we did what all good Buffalo fans do…push the TV through the window, set up a card table and invite some jersey-wearing friends over for wings, pizza and another great afternoon with the Buffalo Bills. Hope nobody minds eating stale pretzels.

First we have to set up the magical NFL Fantasy football program to track the key players for all 5 of my husband’s fantasy teams. (God forbid we should miss a 40 yard gain by a player on a team we don’t give a shit about)

Next, we have to get online, open four or five browswer tabs to accommodate ongoing check-ins at Yahoo sports, ESPN and all the other shitty fantasy sites a grown man subscribes to.

Then, we have to sync up our $5 ESPN fantasy football iPhone application to do God knows what since it’s always saying network unavailable.

Lastly, we have to text a play-by-play update to all our Bills Backers friends around the world to make sure they’re seeing the same crappy play. It’s very important for us to share coaching advice with one another because it clearly makes the team better.

Last but not least, our DirectTV weekend wouldn’t be complete without a full 12 hours of quality game-hopping, which is the skillful navigation between games during commercial breaks. If only multi-tasking during other activities was this easy for men.

By 10pm (and seven hundred buffalo wings) I’ve had just about enough of “Sunday Funday”. Next weekend I’m going to install the clapper on all our DirectTV boxes so every time someone cheers for a halfway decent play they’ll get a good 15 minutes of satellite reloading messages as the TV reboots.

But then again, when you’re fans of the Bills you may not have too many opportunities to clap during a single game.

-C